


Twice as proud

by glowingatmosphere



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexuality, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Themes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:27:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27228076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glowingatmosphere/pseuds/glowingatmosphere
Summary: Dan was nervous and scared on his way there, but now that he’s actually here, in Phil's presence, and his thoughts and the words he has to say to him are closer to being actualised, Dan is terrified and wants nothing more than to take it all back.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 25
Kudos: 38
Collections: Im-PROMPT-u Phandom Creator Challenge 2020





	Twice as proud

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Ace Week 2020!
> 
> A bit of a warning, this story references past consensual, but unwanted sexual experiences. They're not described and they're not between dnp.

Dan knocks on Phil's apartment door. He doesn't really need to because he always texts Phil that he’s in the lift on his way up, and Phil always leaves the door unlocked for him to walk right in. But this time he feels he has to. This isn't a normal visit and Dan's anxiety won’t let him treat it that way.

Dan doesn’t hear the door unlock before Phil opens it. Dan doesn't know if he’s focusing on microdetails and making wild interpretations, something he usually does when he’s anxious, but he guesses that Phil isn't fazed by Dan's _we need to talk_ text since he seems to follow their usual routine. And if he thinks it’s weird that Dan knocked, he doesn't mention it.

"Hey," says Phil.

No hug. Maybe Dan is wrong. "Hey."

Dan was nervous and scared on his way there, but now that he’s actually here, in Phil's presence, and his thoughts and the words he has to say to him are closer to being actualised, Dan is terrified and wants nothing more than to take it all back. He longs to fall into Phil's arms, tell him something different, a believable lie that Phil won't even question.

But how can he make _we need to talk_ mean something less severe? A thousand thoughts swirl in his mind, the most persistent of which is to kiss him, to tell him he’s ready to have sex with him and let that be the end. He did it before, when he was younger and more insecure and terrified of being abandoned.

The mere thought of that makes him sick with repulsion and painful memories. He came here to tell him the exact opposite. He came here to come out to him for a second time, this time reveal another part of his sexuality that he hadn’t bothered talking to him about because he didn't expect to fall for him so deeply.

He also didn't expect it to last that long. When Phil asked him on a date after a few months of being friends he was delighted, but tried to hold back his enthusiasm. Based on past experiences, he predicted they'd go on a few dates, kiss, and cuddle until Phil’s hands would start to wander and Dan would have to reveal that he wasn’t physically interested in anything more, at which point Phil would lose interest. He’s come to expect that pattern. He’s content with non-sexual gestures of physical affection, but it was never enough for others. For them those gestures were just a starting point and when, from their perspective, Dan did not want things to progress, they thought that their relationship wasn’t going anywhere and they ended it. They always wanted _more_ , and Dan's more did not align with their idea of how a relationship is supposed to progress. He’s surprised that Phil is still around and he hasn’t questioned Dan's avoidance of initiating anything sexual.

They’ve cuddled on the sofa watching movies countless times and never touched anywhere intimate. Dan has slept over in Phil's bed many times and every time Phil has been perfectly polite and considerate and had even apologised that time when his hand accidentally brushed Dan's crotch which made Dan laugh and Phil blush.

And that time Dan playfully squeezed Phil's butt one morning when he found him in the kitchen making pancakes in his underwear. Phil squealed startled and then chased a laughing Dan around with a syrupy finger trying to wipe it on his face. He got him on the nose and then kissed it. He then kissed Dan with sticky lips and while Dan was distracted, and to his surprise, Phil reached behind Dan and squeezed his butt. None of it felt sexual, just delightfully playful and affectionate and Dan let himself hope that maybe Phil was like him.

But he can't go on wondering anymore. The prospect of Phil not wanting to be with him anymore is definitely terrifying, but the guilt he feels from keeping this from his boyfriend is crushing him. He loves him with all he has and losing him would feel worse than dying, but he isn't that young boy anymore, desperate to be loved at any cost, and the cost was always too much and too heavy. He has to let Phil decide how he feels and what he wants to do. All he can do is be honest and brave.

Phil offers him a drink and Dan asks for ribena, a familiar taste in an unfamiliar situation. Phil's hands are shaking a little around the bottle as he pours into the glass, and Dan's impression that Phil is acting as usual is challenged again, but he’s so anxious and occupied with his own nervous thoughts that he doesn't have the capacity to dissect Phil's behaviour.

They sit on the sofa, in front of Phil's blank TV, where they were watching a show just last night with the lights off, the sound low, and Dan still remembers how content and safe he felt in Phil's arms under their warm blanket. Phil kept holding him a little closer to his chest, leaving soft kisses on his hair and temple. He kept thinking that If he could have that for the rest of his time on earth his life would have been well-lived.

Later, when they went to bed and Dan could feel Phil's firm chest against his back, his arm draped against Dan's own chest, holding him in place in a secure way, Dan couldn't stop his mind wandering down a desperate path. He didn't actually know if he could have this for the rest of his life and that uncertainty was killing him. Would Phil ask him for more at some point? Was he waiting for more but being respectful? And when that time came, what would Dan say? What would he do? He couldn't put himself through the same pain that he took so long and worked so hard to soothe. He had to know. And he couldn't wait anymore.

Phil is facing him with one side leaned against the back of the sofa, a leg folded under him, and a foot tapping on the floor.

Dan pulls his own legs on the sofa and crosses them. He doesn't know if he can look at Phil while he says this to him. Coming out the first time was wonderful, it was a bonding experience, it was a piece of information that created a connection between them and brought them together. Dan has to steady his breath as the thought of his second coming out being a cause of disconnect and separation hits him.

"Are you okay?" He asks Phil, finally registering the foot tapping and then noticing the finger fidgeting and finally Phil's avoidant eyes.

"Yeah," he answers immediately. Then he looks at Dan for a moment before focusing on the bookshelf that holds all his video games next to the TV. "I mean, I guess I'm nervous. You know how I get when I don't know what to expect."

Dan feels a pang of guilt. He hasn't even started and he’s already making it worse for Phil. 

"Yeah I know. I get it. 'We need to talk' sounds very ominous. I guess I should have said something reassuring, but," Dan hesitates.

"But?"

"I couldn't." He breathes deeply. "I didn't know what to say. Or how to say it. I had to tell you in person."

"Okay."

Phil sounds encouraging despite his own anxiety and Dan loves him. He loves him so much it hurts. He loves him so much he has to keep pushing, also despite his own anxiety, to be honest for Phil.

Dan takes another breath. "I'll just say it. Even if it's scary."

Phil nods. "Please, Dan. You can tell me anything."

Another breath.

"I'm asexual."

Phil gasps. "Oh my god, Dan. Oh my god. Seriously?"

Dan expected disappointment or aggression or even confusion, but he didn't expect Phil to be so offended. For a moment he regrets saying anything, but he can't keep living with the guilt of deceiving someone he loves and the anxiety of being rejected. He nods, his throat too tight for a simple yes.

Phil slips his hands under his glasses to cover his face and Dan doesn't know what to do. He wants to comfort his boyfriend, to tell him it’s okay, it’s not his fault. But he can't help but feel wounded by Phil taking it so personally, acting as if Dan ruined his life.

"I'm sorry," Dan says despite himself, pushing against the tightness in his chest, because he can't be angry. He feels that he doesn't have the right to be angry. The guilt is choking him and in this moment it’s all about self preservation. The heavier the burden he shoulders and the more he blames himself, the less Phil might want to blame him.

Phil's hands slip from his face and his glasses fall back on his nose. "What for?" He says through tears. He grips Dan's knee softly. "You shouldn't be sorry, Dan. Like, at all."

Dan puts his hand on top of Phil's tentatively. Phil's tears make his chest hurt, but he’s still unsure how to interpret his reaction. Even in the midst of his confusion, he realises that Phil isn't offended as he initially thought.

"You're not angry?" he asks quietly.

"Angry? Of course not. Dan," he starts but pauses to wipe under his eyes. He takes a breath. "I feel so relieved."

"What do you mean?"

Phil laughs wetly. "Come on, you can't not know."

A nervous spark of hope erupts inside Dan, but he holds back before it takes over. He has to hear Phil say it. "What?"

"I'm asexual too."

Dan feels his breath catch, half surprise, half delight. Even if he expected it, hearing the confirmation from Phil's own mouth seems unreal. The nervousness is transformed into excitement. "Really?" he breathes out.

"Yes! Oh Dan." A small smile breaks through and Dan can't help but return it. But as soon as it appears on Phil's lips, it’s gone.

Dan slips his fingers under Phil's palm and holds his hand properly, hoping to comfort and reassure him. "What's wrong?"

Phil squeezes Dan's hand but doesn't talk for a while. Dan wants him to say something so badly. His own relief at Phil's lack of anger and blame doesn't completely make his fear that Phil will reject him disappear. Phil can be okay with Dan being asexual but that doesn't mean he wants to be with Dan. Maybe Phil doesn't want a relationship and is in one only because Dan wants it. Maybe Phil is relieved that he now knows what _we need to talk means _, and he will end it.__

__Dan blinks back tears and tenses his jaw. He won't ruin this moment by crying and letting his emotions make it all about him. He’ll take this moment to prepare for whatever it is that Phil’s trying to say, and if it’s bad he’ll accept it, be gracious, be a good friend, if that’s something Phil still wants. He’ll be anything Phil wants him to be, he loves Phil too much to do anything else._ _

__Phil sniffles. "It's ridiculous. And embarrassing."_ _

__"You can tell me. I promise whatever it is I won't judge."_ _

__Phil drags his hand away from Dan's grasp and wiggles in his seat. Dan makes his best effort not to take it as a personal rejection. He knows from experience that he personally needs space to say something difficult, and that means no physical contact, but he hasn't seen Phil do that before. He adds not overreacting to his best efforts._ _

__"When you said you wanted to talk I panicked. You left this morning as I was waking up and you barely looked at me," he says with hesitation and a bit of complaint._ _

__Dan wants to apologise for that. He’s sure that if it was Phil dismissing him, then ignoring him all day only to send an ominous text at night asking to meet in an hour, he would panic too. But Dan just nods apologetically, not wanting to interrupt him._ _

__"And—god it sounds ridiculous, but I thought you were going to break up with me because we weren't having sex. It happened with the person I was seeing before you and I just ended it because I wasn't that much into him anyway. But," he hesitates again and Dan's heart kicks in his chest because he can predict Phil’s next words. He’s heard those words come out of his own mouth before._ _

__"I love you, Dan. I—I would try it with you because I don't want to lose you. I think I could try. I think—" Phil goes quiet. He looks like he’s making a great effort to hold back tears._ _

__Dan can feel his heart break. For Phil and for himself because he had been Phil. He used to have that same way of thinking and he had done what Phil is so obviously forcing himself to want to do and the memory of that experience makes his muscles ache and his stomach and chest constrict._ _

__He reaches for Phil blindly, tears blurring his vision, to touch whatever he can find. An arm, a knee, a strand of hair, anything to tether him to Phil, to show him that he loves him, that he’s safe with Dan, that he’s wanted in ways that don't force him to give pieces of himself away. His heart aches with love and responsibility and desire to do for Phil what no one did for him._ _

__"Phil," he says in a strained, almost pleading voice. "You don't have to do that ever. Not for me not for anyone. You are perfect just as you are."_ _

__Phil finally meets Dan's eyes and his cheeks are wet with tears._ _

__"So are you," he says and he sounds funny because his nose is stuffy, but his voice is utterly sincere and dripping with fondness._ _

__Dan almost breaks down completely at these words. Finally hearing someone say that he’s perfect the way he is means so much, but it means everything coming from the person he loves the most._ _

__He throws himself at Phil and sobs in his neck and Phil holds him so tight he thinks he'll never breathe again and he doesn't care. He'd leave his last breath right on Phil's neck if it means that the last thing he feels is Phil's arms around him. But when they are both done crying, Dan is still alive and breathing and he wants to keep living._ _

__"So we're still together, right?" asks Phil after a few minutes of holding each other loosely and allowing themselves to calm down. Dan's hand and cheek are resting on Phil's chest and he has the fabric of Phil's sweater lightly bunched up in his fist. The soft texture and familiar scent of Phil's laundry detergent sooths Dan enough to make him feel like himself again._ _

__"Yes, of course. You think I'll let you go now that I found out you're also a sex-hating asexual?" Dan jokes._ _

__Phil laughs at that. "True, you'd be really stupid to let me go. You'd have to find someone else to let you beat them at video games to boost your ego."_ _

__"Hey!" Dan exclaims._ _

__Phil giggles and squeals as Dan lifts himself up and pushes him playfully but apparently with enough force for Phil to fall on his back._ _

__"I win because I'm excellent," Dan proclaims. "Maybe you should stay with me to learn from the best."_ _

__"We've known each other for several months, if you're so good shouldn't I have learned by now?"_ _

__Phil looks so satisfied with his insult, propped on his elbows with his sweater still in Dan's fist._ _

__"Shut up you idiot," Dan says fondly, letting go of the fabric and pulling Phil back in his space. He finds Phil's face very close to his, Phil's eyes slightly red and puffy from crying and from rubbing the tears away. His heart hurts at his loved one's broken image. But Phil isn't broken. He’s in pain. And Dan understands that pain._ _

__"I want to be with you always," he says earnestly. "Never think I want you any less because you don't want to be intimate in that way. Nothing could be more intimate than letting me see your fears and insecurities. I'm sorry you have them. It breaks my heart, but you're not alone, Phil. I was worried about the exact same thing. I thought you wouldn't want to be with me when you'd find out."_ _

__"Who wouldn't want to be with you? You're amazing."_ _

__"So are you."_ _

__Phil leans back against the sofa and rolls his eyes softly at the both of them. "We're idiots."_ _

__Dan laughs quietly and rests his head on Phil's shoulder. He snakes his hand under Phil's arm and wraps his arm around Phil's middle. His other hand rests on Phil’s chest and Phil puts his hand on top of Dan's._ _

__"I love you. And I don't need or want to have sex with you. I love kissing you and hugging and cuddling with you. And if I want something more I know how to take care of myself, I don't need to share that with you. I'm very happy the way we are."_ _

__"Are you sure?" Phil asks._ _

__Dan can hear the tone of uncertainty in Phil's voice and he desperately wishes to make it disappear. He squeezes Phil lightly. "Yes, Phil, I honestly couldn't care less. And I'm pretty sure we want the same thing, we're just afraid the other might want something else."_ _

__"I just have to make sure because I know that some people are asexual but still have sex."_ _

__"But that's not me. And I think that applies more to couples where one person is not asexual. It doesn't apply to us. It's okay to not want that. Do you want that?"_ _

__"No."_ _

__Phil sounds more confident and it makes Dan smile. "Good. Now can we order pizza or something, I feel like I just ran a marathon and got pushed down into the ground at the finish line."_ _

__"Yes, I could eat my own feet right now."_ _

__"They are pretty tasty," Dan says mischievously, reaching for Phil's socked toes, but Phil moves them away from Dan's fingers giggling._ _

__"More ribena? I'm dehydrated from shedding all these emotional tears," says Phil and shifts, readying himself to get up. Dan moves away a bit to look at him but holds his hand on Phil's chest._ _

__"Yes, please, I'm parched."_ _

__-_ _

__"Phil?" says Dan after they’re full with pizza and sprawled on the sofa trying to sigh the fullness away._ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__"I'm proud of you for saying no to the guy you were with. You knew your boundaries and you did what was best for you."_ _

__"Daaan," Phil whines softly. "Thank you but I literally just destroyed my boundaries because I was afraid. And now I remember how pathetic and embarrassing that was."_ _

__"It wasn't. It wasn't!" He says again when Phil tries to protest. And he thinks that he’s saying it as much for himself as he is for Phil. Dan doesn't blame him for describing that behaviour with words that sting because he doesn't know. It's easier to be cruel to oneself and Dan is sure that if Phil knew that those words could hurt someone else he wouldn't have said them._ _

__"Fine. Then I'm proud of you too. You came out to me twice. And this time it was you who did it first. You were very brave."_ _

__Dan feels shy at Phil's compliment and he’s not sure why because his chest is full of something good and nice and he loves it when Phil praises him. But this, being called brave, that’s more than a compliment. He doesn't know what to call this feeling but he’ll treasure the sensation and maybe at some point, as he continues to work on himself he'll find out what it means. One day he'll tell Phil about his bad experience, when he feels ready, because it’s important and he wants Phil to know. Phil will have so much to be proud of him for._ _

__He smiles at Phil and he smiles back. They look at each other for a while and it feels right and reassuring and comfortable._ _

__"Can I kiss you?" says Phil._ _

__"Of course you can. I want you to."_ _

__Phil puts a hand on Dan's jaw and leans in. They kissed before, and all kisses were soft and sweet, but this one is by far the best they've ever shared. Full of affection and the comfortable knowledge that this is it, no pressure or expectation for more because there is nothing more. This is enough because it is exactly what they want. It isn't leading anywhere because they are exactly where they want to be._ _

__Dan can feel new tears flood behind his closed eyelids, but these ones just wash him away with love and relief._ _

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt for this one was Pride.
> 
> As always, thank you Val @hiddenpastry for betaing and thank you Mandy @alittledizzy for your enthusiasm <3 and thank you all for reading. You can find me on tumblr @glowingatmosphere.


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